Wednesday, January 20, 2010

America Fries the French Potato

First, you have to read about the tantrum: US accused of 'occupying' Haiti. Mon Dieu!!!! A functionary from the country that gave us the Napoleon complex disses the nation that birthed film noir AND Jerry Lewis, not to mention the Marshall Plan.

--from AFP wire service---

Alors! U.S. invades Back Yard

(Agence-France-Presse) In a stunning coup de foudre, the vile Americans have announced their imperialist intention of ruling the Caribbean Ocean. The initial move was accomplished over a twenty-four hour ‘action period’ which occurred after forces mobilized from Haiti in a 'deployment staging subterfuge'.

In Operation Rolled Cigar, the Americans completed their takeover of the island of Hispaniola. Simultaneously, U.S. Marines took over the British, French, and Dutch Antilles with a report of two total casualties. Jamaica surrendered in the face of one gunboat, the USS Golightly, which supported five landing craft. It is believed the lack of Jamaican resolve was clinched by the use of reggae and reggaeton soundtracks, which boomed at high amplitude from shipboard speakers.

‘It’s just amazing,” Admiral Forthwith said, at a dawn press conference. “Those island-hopping tactics we learned on our way to the Phillippines are still totally relevant, over fifty years later. This shows why we never throw anything away in War Plans.” He added, “Music is one universal language; but firepower is what the U.S. Navy calls the universal amplifier.”

The U.S. Department of Defense has blacked out satellite pictures on Google Earth, but early indications are that a force is now converging on Cuba, with major supply chain being routed through Puerto Rico.

"It is not the first time that the land-sucking and imperialistic Americans have enforced their schizophrenic will on a carefree Caribbean," French think-tank director Remi Toulouse asserted. [Ed. note: Agence France Presse continues with various military actions in the Reagan years] "It is obvious to all of France and indeed, the entire European Community, that these previous forays were merely practice for an all-out display of crude American machismo."

UN Security Council attempts U.S. rebuke, but can't get quorum
The move stunned the UN Security Council, which broke out into a fistfight at about 2 a.m. this morning.
The American diplomat was rushed to the hospital as diplomats from France and the United Kingdom forcibly protested the loss of their Caribbean territories. Unsubstantiated reports say that delegates from various Latin American countries held the U.S diplomat immobile while the delegate from France tried to make his point.

"He hits like a baby," the Venezuelan diplomat noted. "He whined about hurting his hand, too."

The Russian delegate to the Security Council was also carried to Bellevue, reportedly after choking on his own laughter.

“America is doing only what we are attempting with Japan,’ he explained, once released from the hospital. When pressed, he did admit it had been a shock to the Russian government as well. “But opportunity knocks. We feel same way about Russo-Japanese War,” he said. “Who knew American government had such long memory for insults?” He laughed again. “We know they are merely avenging the Cuban Missile Crisis.”

When asked if Russia expected any repercussions from its part in the Cuban Missile Crisis, he shrugged

“That was idiot Krushchev and USSR. We are new Russia, with many oil contracts. I think Castro must be shitting cocaine turds by now.”

Nobel Peace Prize??
At the White House press conference, Obama looked grave and determined. “All the hardship of the American people in the fight against drugs will be halved after this operation is completed,” he said, striking his fist on the podium. “We do not anticipate this operation to cost American taxpayers any additional funds, especially since we now have control of the Cayman Islands and the other financial paradises of the Caribbean. Already, American accountants have located lost funds and drug money that should pay for everything, including reconstruction. We may even pay off the deficit.”

On the streets of Paris, citizens deplored the American move, but did not seem unduly worried, as interest spikes over the pret-a-porter fashion shows that begin next week. “Merde, it is the crime committed to spread Disney World," said the one concerned person this reporter located. "We would rather have the heroin. Mon amis, have you any?"

---end of wire---
With apologies to Agence France Presse, which is a Very good news agency--and thanks to Beat & Release, for bringing the article to my attention!


The Bug said...

Wow - do you write for The Onion? This is great!

Unknown said...

I totally wish this was true. I'd be moving to one of our island paradises within the month...

Bob G. said...


(yeah, we'd OCCUPY we REALY NEED a 51st state NOW. Besides, who wants to go changing ALL those flags we've got?)

France is watching WAY TOO MUCH "Chavez-TV"
But that's just *my* opinion...

Anonymous said...

Naturally, France can kiss our collective ass. That said, I understand the concern that aid is being turned away, and would certainly hope in this crucial stage Doctors without Borders would not be turned away.

Great writing.

Ann T. said...

Dear Everybody,
Thanks for writing in!

Dear Bob G.,
The one thing I couldn't get in is the Venezuelan govt's submarine buys from Russia--which, not good . . . I don't know if the buy was completed, but it was in the works.

Dear Warrior Poet,
You're exactly right about the MSB flight. Re-routed five times? That's just screwed up.

Ann T.

Slamdunk said...

This was a no-holds-barred good read Ann T.

I had heard the news story referred to in the post, but dismissed reading it immediately for something of more substance--cleaning my toilets.

Ann T. said...

Dear Slamdunk,
I would have done the same! You've got to take care of those local hazards first, and in-home conflict prevention is at the top of the list.

I loved your post this morning. We need a lot more on news literacy in this world.

Ann T.