Tuesday, January 5, 2010

the new frontier

My husband died in 2001. I have not been the same since.
Today I saw a therapist for the third time. She told me it is time to grieve. I can't put it off any longer.

I would never have put it off, but there were so many practical matters to take care of at first, and then people and pets were jumping ship or dying right and left. By the time I had survival worked out, the statute of limitations was met. My family expected me to be over it. They just wanted me to be happy.

That sounds good. Not useful however.

Perhaps not by coincidence, I have steadily become less useful to the world since 2001. That's not to say I've been completely useless. But it's time.

At the bottom of the trail up will be a salty lake


Slamdunk said...

I am sorry to hear about your loss Ann. I can't imagine that pain--especially without being afforded the time to grieve.

Books of the World said...

My condulances to you. I lost my mam very suddenly in May of 2003, she was just 58. I had to catch, hold up and support the whole bloody family including her father and her dog. I understand your post completely. I've also been told recently to grieve. I'm right there with you. Sending you huge hugs and tons of support. May G-d bless you and shine a light on your path and guide and comfort you along the way.

Ann T. said...

Dear Slamdunk and MBB,
You both are very kind.

MBB, I am sorry to hear about your mother and I hope you get that same light out there.

Ann T.

Rory said...

So sorry to hear this. So many big things we don't know about people who touch our lives. Grieve, if it's time. Know that you have been far from useless, at least for me.


Ann T. said...

Thank you for the support! I mean that.
Ann T.

The Observer said...

Ann T.
So sorry for your loss. Please take the time to care for yourself now. I'll keep you in my prayers. My mom went through a bit of the same thing when my dad passed suddenly.

The Observer

Anonymous said...

I hate when I miss a day of your blog because it seems like so much has happened in the mean time. In my role I have dealt with so much, and yet I have never had to deal with a personal death of this magnitude, so I can't even claim to understand beyond what my heart can imagine, which surely can't compare. I feel like there is nothing I could offer.

Yet, I will offer this. Your self-proclaimed uselessness is wrong, or at best, your definition of the word is wrong. Like the different forms of knowledge you've elaborated on, there are different forms of utility, and they are always defined by the perception of who benefits. As a reader of your blog I've benefited from knowledge imparted, yet even that utility is mild compared to those you have contact with in the world beyond this ether of wireless connections and web servers in distant places.

At some point the perspective will shift, and you will see that what seemed useless before was anything but.

Ann T. said...

Dear Warrior Poet,
My thanks and I hope you are right. That's one reason I went for the help--I think I can turn some of what's been up into a blessing if I can just get there.

I have been knocked out by so many people's compassion.

Ann T.