Sunday, January 10, 2010

Rebuilding a Subconscious

I have always dreamed in color. I have always dreamed stories. My dreams have always been very clear. I will give you an example: I graduated with an art degree and went to work in a bookstore. Four weeks into that job, I dreamed a book cart ran over a canvas that I was painting on the floor. It was a sign of changing priorities, changing time commitments. Funny, sad, direct.

For two years I lived an insecure life. I only slept two hours at a time, would wake up, check on things, wonder how I would get everything done, then sleep another two hours and get up for good. Every day had a traumatic surprise, something that had to be dealt with that did not fit in with what happened the day before. It was never a bomb or a bullet, just some sudden drop of a trap door for one form of security or another.

When I finally got to sleep in a secure environment, I didn't dream stories or pictures. For months I dreamed black and white grids. Eventually the grids became patterns and then moving patterns, like snow blindness. I was sleeping four hours at a stretch. I would wake up high as a kite from actually getting sleep. It must be what heroin is like. If so, I see the attraction.

Then I dreamed pages of random letters. Eventually they became sentences with proper syntax that never made any sense. These were work. Then they became sentences that would make sense but with a wrong word. The word would surprise me in the context and I would wake up. So I was back to interrupted sleep.

I don't dream now. That's not true. I know the stories and pictures are back, I just can't get them.
My sleep is still way off. Maybe this is valuable for others to know. Maybe somebody with PTSD can relate to this. I don't think I have PTSD though, or rather, I don't care what they call it. I want it to be over.

4 comments:

peedee said...

Some say sleep is overrated. pfft.

You must be getting some valuable sleep or you wouldnt be able to function at all. Have you tried Ambien CR?? Thats the extended release version. It'll help u fall asleep but more importantly, keep you asleep.

I <3 sleep and cant function well on anything less than 7 hours a night these days. When I was younger and working as a paramedic some nights I only got an hour or two and functioned fine. Those days are long over.

Hope u find an answer soon.

Ann T. said...

Dear Peedee,
I am getting valuable sleep, but not the connect to the subconscious.

Thanks for taking this in the proper spirit. I was afraid people would think i was whining and rush to pity, which would be a, well, a pity.

Thank You,
Ann T.

Slamdunk said...

There is so much to the sleeping and dreaming that we just don't completely understand. Fortunately, as in your book and canvas collision, you don't have to be certified in dream interpretation as you think about your dreams and what they mean. Perhaps not recalling them means something as well.

Ann T. said...

Dear Slamdunk,
I have hope that this will occur. I'm still interested in this sequence I had, and wonder if it is like anyone else's.

Ann T.