Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Move Along, Baby

Okay, when I get down to fish hatcheries, you guys Know I am stumped for an appropriate subject.

Truth is, I am making so many tiny, insignificant changes right now that add up to the huge, but . . . the fish hatchery is more interesting.  What. I cleaned the toaster? You want to know this? Well, I don't want to tell you.

So today I rode Miss Ellen AND I took a walk. I was over at one of the neighborhood hubs, you know: drug store, bank, park, traffic, used book store (destination).  I swear I felt someone lightly pressing against my back. My husband.

I started to cry. Not bawl, please. But just weep. It struck me that the person who had been most disrespected in this whole thing was my husband. Nobody wanted to talk about him. They didn't want me to be sad. They want him to be over.  They wanted that about two days after.

This loneliness I know is not a disrespect to me. Well, it is. But mostly to him. And that's why I can't let it go.

But today, there's this light pressure on my back.

Getting all kinds of stuff done (not the toaster, actually). And I think I was a good wife.


Christopher said...

I've tried to type this comment three different times. The right wording isn't coming, and maybe because it's not something that can be summarized succinctly.

Don't move along. At least not in the way people want you to.

Slamdunk said...

It is difficult to please others all the time. Though unpopular, moving at one's own pace and direction is beneficial in the long term.

Bob G. said...

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but having lost more than several people that meant the WORLD to me, I'm always trying to NOT worry about any trepidation when it comes to my life and how it should proceed.

They would want the best for me, and would want me to move onward.
And even after twenty plus years, I STILL miss them (all), but they would want me to become empowered and not entombed by their passing.
I found my old slides recently, and I'm debating about viewing them...but I might HAVE to anyway.
...As a testament to THEM.

So, if I ever feel a "light pressure" on MY back, it just HAS to be a guiding hand.
At least, I'd like to believe that it is.
And Lord knows we can use as much comfort as we can get.

Keep the Faith.

Ann T. said...

Dear Christopher, Slamdunk, and Bob,

I'm going to tell you something. These comments were utterly perfect and in the exact perfect order to help me.

Christopher, I read yours right after posting and it was of enormous comfort to me.

Slam, I read yours the next morning and thought, yup, one of my besetting sins.

Bob, your comment was equally apt--my husband wouldn't want me to lose confidence as I have.

They all relate to each other too. I am intensely grateful to each of you. It is a wonder and a blessing to get this kindness and insight over the electrons. It blazes straight to my heart.

I assure you I will remember each piece of advice here and the person who gave it to me.

This is not cheerful b.s. I intend to please myself, and get on with it, in the exact speed that seems healthy and constructive.

Thank you very very much.
Ann T.