Thursday, April 22, 2010

Birthday Thoughts

Today is my husband's birthday. If he had lived, I mean.

I was trying to think how to celebrate his life today. Next year I may have a more ceremonious plan. But today so far I have made sure BoyCat feels loved. He's been a little neglected-feeling lately.

Miss Ellen and I are going out. I go see my therapist. The sun is out.

For some reason, I have been thinking about the day we learned he got sick. He had a seizure, right on the bottom steps of the VA where he worked. He used to get there very early and have breakfast, work on his files before appointments. He was not yet fifty.

In truth, he had been hiding his illness from the both of us--not very well from me anymore--but I still didn't have the full. When he fell over with the seizure, he looked like a bum. Unshaven, in clean clothes at least, a big man passed out on the street. His I.D. got him into emergency right away. But someone found him first. Somebody made sure he got inside the VA hospital.

Today, whoever that was, because I never met you: thank you for stooping down and looking at the strange man passed out on the curb. Thank you for rolling him over and determining he needed help. I am grateful forever.


Momma Fargo said...

Happy Birthday to your husband!

Slamdunk said...

This must be a difficult day for you Ann T. You are in my prayers.

Ann T. said...

Dear Momma Fargo,
Oh dear, I left out part. He passed away some years ago from brain cancer. But you are sweet, ma'am, very sweet.

I added the essential phrase now, sorry about that!

Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear Slamdunk,
I am now a little weepy and that is a good thing. Thank you very much. It means a great deal to me to be able to talk about him sometimes. And I surely need the prayers.

Ann T.

The Bug said...

I think loving on a cat sounds like an excellent way to celebrate your husband - since he was a healer & I've been told that cats are healing (my experience with them is more that they like to bat your pen away while you write & walk on your head). Also Miss Ellen is good therapy on the way to therapy...

Remember - taking care of yourself is also a celebration of his life.

Anonymous said...

Okay so call me woo-woo. Write him a card and tell him on it how much he meant and means to you. Read it aloud to your memory of him. And envision him smiling when he hears you.
Death takes away the physical body and not the heart's connection.
I think society in general expect you to forget and move on simply because they are uncomfortable with someone else's grief. Instead, I think you can remember, just as you would wish to be remembered yourself.
There is a common sense to the daily details of life being attended to with as much curiosity and wonder as possible.
There is also a common sense to knowing that being able to be loving of your past means you can be so in the present as well.
So, Ann's husband, gone and not forgotten - Happy Birthday to you, wherever your Soul is right now.
I'll light a candle on a cupcake for you in his honor.

Gia's Spot said...

Ann T
Remembering his birth date, in itself speaks volumns about the love you still have for your husband! I am a believer that we are all connected and we never really leave, we just add our "soul" "energy" whatever back into the universe for the good of all (kind of Quantum physics stuff) so all that love you are feeling today has changed the world for the better on his day!And I can thank you for the smiling people who have come into my life today, Ann T ! Happy birthday to Ann T's husband and happy day to you, Ann!
(Did that make sense or just sound creepy?)

Bob G. said...

HAving lost both parents under different circumstances, I appreciate your feeling on a day such as this.

I've lost numerous friends and relatives, while others have just faded away into other lifetimes.
Still hurts like hell some days.
But you never deny live WITH it

What I try to take away from all of this is that I remember them...ALL of them, and that is the best way to keep them WITH us.

My thoughts are with you.

Raindog said...


If it's a nice day, go treat your self to an ice cream cone after your therapy session. Enjoy the day. Enjoy the memories.


Ann T. said...

Dear The Bug,
Actually he would say the same thing: taking care of myself should be toppest on the list, the better to care for others.

Thank you,
Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear Anonymous,
Thank you for the warm wishes and special attention. It is very true that the heart's connection does not sever. I appreciate the warm wishes to him today.

Ann T.

The Observer said...

Ann T:
I have never lost a spouse, but I lost a Dad (of sudden cardiac arrest) so I know a little of what you write. When January 13th comes up, I inevitably note that it's Dad's birthday. He would have been 74 this year.
I hope you had a great cuddle with BoyCat, a wonderful ride on Miss Ellen, a productive session of therapy and just generally a good, even if a little tearful, day, this date, your husband's birthday.

The Observer

Unknown said...

I want to hear more stories about him Ann. When your ready please tell us. Like everyone said way more eloquently before me, his memory is alive in you. Snuggle the boy cat and I hope the session went well. <3 Paula

Christopher said...

Thinking of you.

Sandra said...

Thank you for sharing, Ann T. You are in my thoughts.

Ann T. said...

Dear Gia,
I will never forget him. So many of the good or wise things I've learned are related to him some way. I was a very fortunate lady.

Thank you darling,
Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear Bob,
I am working on a full memory. As I said to Gia, I can hardly forget, you know. He was a big part of everything happy.

Yesterday I went through some photo albums. It was a little painful but also good to reconnect. We had a good marriage.

Thank you for the support and the empathy,

Ann T. said...

Dear Raindog,
This and the lavender. Thank you very much.

I took your advice and a long walk. I had a glass of wine instead though!

The lavender is already mounted, part of the signposts of the way up.

Thank you,
Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear The Observer,
Thank you for the lovely expression! BoyCat is still slightly miffed and GirlCat also giving me a little grief. However, we settled out fairly easily.

It was a good if slightly tearful day and I did remember.

Thank you,
Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear peedee,
As I wake up, I remember more and more. I can talk more and more too. And write, so yes, more stories.

Thank you for all your help, much of it off-blog. This mutual bravery thing seems to work, right?

Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear Christopher,
My sincere thanks for all the lifts along the way.

Ann T.

Ann T. said...

Dear Sandra,
It takes two to share--somebody has to listen. That has been what was in short supply, and incredibly, it is not true any more.

Thank you,
Ann T.

Ann T. said...

To all,
Each and every one of you, I treasure these letters and that's why I answered each one.

It was a good way to remember the day. I believe you lifted me off the curb, too.

Thank you very very much.

Very truly yours,
Ann T.

meleah rebeccah said...

Happy Birthday to your husband!!!