Thursday, April 1, 2010

Bzzzzzzram! Shazwhack! Zombie Killah Queen!

When you want something done Right--

The Meeting
Last night, after months of Zombie Depredations, we had an Executive Session after the regular Board Meeting. I explained to the Board that since the earth was made November of 2008, I have been screwing with concerned about collection accounts. That I continually have to explain the same procedures. I think I gave good examples. But--
Eloquence was unnecessary. Prep was really bad for this meeting. Everyone was already disgusted.

So, the Board agreed I was to obtain access to the offices via keys, in order to check ledgers. I will also have access to the files, and can look up the confusing stuff and figure it out. This problem will be solved. Bzzzzram! Shazwhack!
Ann T. 1, Zombies -0-

Okay, Z-B, You Get What You Ask For
I wrote out those "expectations" that Zombie Boss said he wanted. Re-charged the Ray Gun. Ate Wheaties.

The Meeting
Well, I expected this meeting to net me the keys and access codes the Board said I should get. But no. I got the umyeah um as usual. Zombie-Boss told me that Zombie-Asst. was correcting the ledgers this very minute. That he had called with instructions for her to do it. (Since he did not come to work on time.)

But the Board agreed last night that she is not doing it, I am. But I let that go. Of course, he wasted her zombie payroll hours, but I had to stick to the point.
Zombies 2, Ann T. 1

I presented my Expectations. There were a lot of them. The sheer number of screwed up items, with verbal examples, should have made this zombie curl up and die. So that was one point more--
Zombie Assistant showed up with corrected ledgers. "Just tell me if this is what you want from her," he said.
Now there's the BIG TRAP--

I scooped up the ledgers. 'Thank you,' I said. "But Z-A's not working on these any more." I patted the three pages of Expectations. "I expect you to work on these, and I will work on the old ledgers as we discussed last night." Shazwhack! Bzzzram!
Ann T. 3, Zombies 2

So, I made my exit while his mouth was still hanging open. Unfortunately I still did not have keys or access codes.
Penalty, Ann T. -1
Score Ann T. 2, Zombies 2

I reverted to remote-control ray-gun, i.e. the Internet. Wrote him about the keys. Said I expected them this afternoon and would be coming back for them. Wrote the accounting firm that has the pass codes about the new procedures. Wrote the Board President about how things were going. 

Went Back Down to the Basement. "Do you have my keys?"

"Umyeah umyeah no," Zombie Boss said. "Can I call you when I have them?"  Another TRAP.
"No, I'll be back in an hour to get them." It's already quitting time. "Did you call about my access codes?"
"Umyeah umyeah no."
"I'll want those too."
"I can call them," he offered.
"That would be great. I want that today too."

I stared at him until he pulled the key off his keychain. I put it on my keychain. "The access codes."
"I'll call them," he sighed.
Ann T. 3, Zombies 2

I received a call from the accountant. "I got your letter," he said. "We are thrilled you are going to do this. We want to help you any way we can." He outlined what he could do: almost anything. Shazzam!!! Bzzzzzrack!
Ann T. 4, Zombies 2

I need an access code."
"It's the same for everybody down there," he said. "They already have it." 
I now have the access code, despite these lying zombies.  Shazzam!
Ann T. 5, Zombies 2

I get a letter from Zombie Boss that says I have his key (Bzzzzram!), and he thought I was going to let him show how he could manage Zombie Assistant. That my having the key meant I could go anywhere and do anything all over the building. Do you think that sounds like a threat of future liability? Let him try.

I get a call from the Board President.
"What the hell is his problem?" he asked. "We've wanted him to manage Zombie Assistant since the earth was made November 2008. We told him how it was going to go last night." 
Ann T. 6, Zombies 2

I write Z-B back, very sweetly. "Dear Z-B, I think instituting the procedures I outlined for you and Z-A will require all of your a significant use of management skill." Okay, it was nicer than that. Really. "As soon as those procedures are habitual, I will be able to relinquish much of this control."
Zing, zing, Brzing!
Ann T. 7, Zombies 2

So, if they don't start accusing me of stealing their lunch money, I win. So far.
So, the key to winning against the Zombies??? Really good alliances. And good prep.


Bob G. said...


That is nothing less than Fantastic...!

(makes me wonder if you don't spend some serious range time in front of the

Resident Evil X: Zombie Queen Ann's Revenge.

(nice name for a ship)

"Cry ANNIE...and let slip the dogs of war!"

Game, set, AND match!


Unknown said...

You just make sure you keep your ray gun close. One bite from those slackers and ur done fer. I mean it...stay alert.

Well Done Ann! And I love it when Capt Schmoe says, "Strong Work". So I'll be coming back to see him say that. lol

The Bug said...

I'm glad I'm not a zombie - you terrify me LOL! I'm glad you're on the case - I'm sure you'll have it straightened up in no time. At least until ZB & ZA mess things up again...

BTW - LOVE your last post - you're hilarious!

The Observer said...

Ann T:
Well done!!

Hopefully, the zombies will stay cooked.

(oh, God, who let the pun monster out again? Heal, er, heel boy!)

The Observer

Ann T. said...

Dear Everyone,
You have No Idea how Angry they are down there!

I received a letter via e-mail full of the Zombie Confusion Particles!

I just finished the letter back, which I believe dispels the Confusion but the Side Effect will be more Zombie Rage . . .

Wish me luck!

You guys are so good to me!
Ann T.

Capt. Schmoe said...

String work Ann T. Although the Zombies are worthy opponents, they lack the drive and intellect to prevail.

Rage! Rage! Zombies rage, although it is for naught. Thy rage is no match for Ann T!

Ann T. said...

Dear Captain Schmoe,
I may just put those words into my next letter! LOL!
Thank you!
Ann T.