Bad News First:
I lost traction on the road to serenity and health. My therapist is leaving. She was a grad student, a little older than me (how is that for inspiration? starting anew, right?) and is now moving on to the next stage. Once again, I face the unknown--a new therapist. I start over. Another good-bye. Don't hack me off and say it's another hello, too. It's a loss.
All the pep talks in the world (self-administered) are not working. Those don't work.
But I see what happens. The lid goes back on. I can't talk about it, not even to myself after awhile. Then all demonstrativeness fails for a demonstrative me. Once the demonstrating stops, progress stops. Pandora's box with a lot of darkness trapped inside. Screwed-down lid. No trouble to anyone but myself.
The Legend of Pandora
We mis-cast the legend of Pandora as a silly girl, a disobedient child who opened the jar of the world's ills out of simple curiosity (kind of like Eve in the Bible, but not exactly). Immediately, the Seven Deadly Sins, disease, bad attitude, and shame fly out of the box like malarial mosquitoes, infecting mankind. After everyone blames her, she finds Hope in the bottom of the box. I always thought it was stupid to call it an emerald. It had to be a flying thing too, like all the rest. A thing of the spirit.
What I think is this: I think the Names of these things were locked up. Nobody could see the ills of the world until Names were attached to them. When Pandora (name means "giver of all") opened the box, we were somehow able to examine these things, decide on right and wrong. And Hope for better. Privilege virtues over faults. Examine them as abstracts and in ourselves.
There's a huge invitation out there not to see right and wrong. Keep the lid on, Pandora. Until somebody opens the box, attaches the names, people can just go on willy-nilly: no wonder they were mad at her. They had to realize they were sometimes weak, cruel, diseased, and oblivious.
There's no Hope in Oblivion. Only Inattention and False Remedies.
So, no more slippage. No more False Remedies, no more, no more. I am naming names and kicking ass again, starting today.
Good News Last
The good news is I have had a few victories in the meantime. Kept on with some good rituals. Now I just keep adding. And you see why pep talks don't work? Or was this one?